THE CAT IS DEAD, PUT HER OUT FOR GARBAGE

Muddy Marley

2011-08-21T16:24:00.005-04:00

My Mom left me this note while she was dog-sitting my sister's dog, Marley (who, by the way, is on a mission to kill our pet rabbit). So, now that you have the background here, let's move on to the note itself:

This is, quite simply, an insult to my intelligence. The fact that she thought something like this even required a written note boggles my mind!

As if it wasn't bad enough that she told me not to take the dog out without a leash (duh!), she finished writing it, then went back & used a different pen to add a side comment - in case we couldn't figure out what would happen if the dog's feet were muddy: "this dirties my house."

Amazing.

Be aware!!

The Exploding Hair Dryer

2011-04-13T18:10:00.012-04:00

Sorry, this isn't a note, but trust me - it's worth reading. This should help you put things into further perspective after reading all of these notes. If there's one thing you've learned by visiting this site, it's that my Mom isn't too good at parting with things or throwing them out. She is very attached to her possessions (see Where Is My Brush? July 11, 2010 post) and is convinced that no new product could ever perform as good as the old one. She will use things until they fall apart, and even when they break she gives them to my Dad to fix! This mentality has been passed down through the generations, and even I have the gene. Some call it hoarding. Or maybe its just a refusal to accept the fact that she might have to take out her pocketbook and actually spend her money on something new when she has a "perfectly good one" at home.

Case in point -- The Exploding Hair Dryer. My Mom was the proud owner of an old brown Vidal Sassoon hairdryer since the early 1980's - you know the ones, with the metal coils that were taken off the shelves because they were catching fire and exploding. This was the 1500 model - if Vidal Sassoon is even still in business, they are probably up to the 5000 by now. Anyway, my Mom has been using this thing for the past 30 years and it is older than I am. It looks the first hair dryer ever invented:

It only has 3 settings: Hot, Warm, Cold and 2 "speeds" - High & Low:

When I asked my Mom why she still uses it and why she doesn't just buy a new one (after all, they have made some AMAZING enhancements to hair dryers since the 80's), she claimed: "Because mine works fine and has the perfect temperature." So, we put her to the test . . .

When my girlfriend and I stayed at the house a few weeks back, my girlfriend asked if she could use said hair dryer. After about 10 minutes of drying her hair, I heard her scream from the bathroom. Sparks flew out of the handle and the damn thing caught fire! The smell of burning hair hit the air. Luckily, my girlfriend escaped with no major burns. When we presented my mother with the charred evidence, she said: "You can't bend it - you have to hold it straight so the cord doesn't bend. Last time it went on fire your Dad had to replace the cord!" I couldn't believe my ears.

However, even after almost setting the house ablaze (twice) & nearly turning my girlfriend into a lump of charcoal, my Mom was holding onto this thing for dear life. She gave it to my Father to see what could be done. He took it down to his workshop & surveyed the damage:

This thing looks even less safe when you open it up! It looks like a science project I made in grade school with an old remote control car motor & some wires. Needless to say, the hair dryer was beyond repair. My Mother had no choice but to throw it away. It was a sad, sad day. But I like to think it had a good run -- over 30 years of drying hair and no fatalities.

Moral of the story: "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" are NOT words to live by!

NO MEAT

2011-03-10T10:09:00.004-05:00

This is testament to the fact that a note from Mom can be left ANYWHERE, and still have more impact than text or email. You get in the car to go to work and this is staring back at you. You could be doing 100 mph off a cliff and the last thing you will remember is that today is Ash Wednesday and you cannot eat meat. Words cannot describe how awesome this note is.

The Heat Is On!

2011-03-08T04:28:00.007-05:00

Hi John & Adrienne,

In case you come in, we are not putting heat on until November. It is 85 degrees Sat and Sun 65. Use an extra blanket - the temp is around 67 degrees in house which is fine - we have not used heat yet - Please don't try to put it on ---

Also, keep mindful of refrig doors so they stay closed & take care of the house & the bunny - Have a nice weekend!

We'll be home 12 - 12:30 Sunday.

Love,
Mom

Enjoy your wine (keep house neat thanks)

I have never gone to stay at my parents' house for the weekend without finding a note on the kitchen table when I arrive. As a matter of fact, my girlfriend and I look forward to it now -- we talk about it in the car on the way there: "what do you think it will say this time?" This past Fall we went to stay at my Mom's house while they were away for the weekend. But nothing could have prepared us for this note . . .

Let's dissect this, shall we?

I understand not putting the heat on until it is officially "winter," to save some money -- heating a house can get expensive. That's always been a house rule when I was growing up. But would it REALLY break the bank if we put the heat on for one day over the weekend?! I wouldn't be surprised if she hung a piece of string on the thermostat dial to see if we moved it . . .
Thanks for the weather forecast, Mom -- totally necessary here to really drive your point home!
I'm sorry, are you cold? Too bad -- here's an "extra blanket" -- after all, its still only October! I also love the double underline for extra emphasis and the insistence that 67 degrees is a suitable climate for the house ("fine" is underlined like 100 times).
Here we go with the goddamn refrigerator doors again! Just buy a new fridge already, Jesus Christ!
I always love how detailed her notes are -- her estimated time of arrival on this note really gets me. Most people would say "See you Sunday," but not my Mom -- she'll be back around 12 - 12:30 on Sunday.

Pretty Good

2011-03-08T04:21:00.006-05:00

This note reminds me of a folded napkin in a fancy restaurant. And what great options we have here! Every time I go visit my Mother, I tell her NOT to buy me junk food, but she never listens. So this time I decided to put the bourbon chicken on top of the Ellios pizza, then washed it down with some iced tea and made a milkshake for dessert. It was pretty good.

Open Doors & Empty Beers

2011-03-08T03:55:00.006-05:00

John -

Make sure you take your food in refrig and double check that refrig door is closed before you leave here. It's been causing trouble.

Dad says call us before you lock up so he can do a quick check & speak with you -- dead bolt front door (be sure coffee pot off).

Please make sure you empty excess beer in sink -- save empties

In my Mother's mind, everyone is an invalid or has the mentality of a 5 year old. I love that closing a refrigerator requires a written note. Do people really leave the fridge open if they're not told otherwise? What kind of "trouble" has the fridge been causing? I really need to know!

Or how about locking the front door when you leave the house? Isn't that a given? My poor father had to walk me through how to dead-bolt the front door, step-by-step.

More importantly, as noted by the orange highlighter, I had to make sure I emptied the beers we drank the night before and save the empties . . . after all, those are worth 5 whole cents each!!

Just for kicks, I left the fridge and front door wide open, and threw away all the beer cans.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2011-03-03T15:11:00.007-05:00

This might be the cutest thing I have ever heard. Here's my Mom's parents calling my sister in California to wish her a happy birthday.
The apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree . . .

No Faces Allowed on Facebook!

2011-03-03T14:50:00.007-05:00

Here is the CD of 109 pix - 50-60 of wedding and 50 of Christmas - Enjoy!

Don't put bad ones of me on Facebook - Thanks!

Why did she feel the need to tell me how many photos were on the disk? Is it really that important? And I'm not very good with math but I don't think 50-60 + 50 equals 109. Burning photos onto disk is still a step up regardless - my Mom is so afraid to lose photos that she doesn't delete them off her camera. If you're posing for a photo, you have to wait until she deletes an existing photo before she can take another one, even though they are stored on the camera, hard drive, and on a CD as back-up. This past Christmas I looked at her camera and there were photos from my college graduation on it (I graduated in 2001).

Croc of Sh*t

2011-03-03T14:46:00.010-05:00

Found this on my Mom's fridge - someone in the family owes her $15 for a pair of cheap plastic shoes, as of 11/27. I think they should get a pass on this one - they over-paid as it is. One time she left me a note that said "John owes me $2." You think I'm kidding?

No Water

2011-03-03T14:43:00.005-05:00

Hey Mom, was it really necessary to write not one, but two notes to tell us there's no water? One on the faucet so we can see that no water comes out, and one covering the drain so we can see that no water goes down.

Hey, at least she's thorough . . .

Old News

2011-03-03T14:39:00.006-05:00

My Mom is one of a kind. She saves newspapers on a chair on the porch until she has the time to read them. By the time she gets caught up, it's old news. I started getting worried when she said "Hey, did you hear we have a black President?"

For the Birds . . .

2011-01-11T14:55:00.006-05:00

This is a great submission -- I find it funny that there are other moms out there that do this. My Mom would NEVER throw out old moldy or rock hard bread . . . she would crumble it into a bowl and mark it "for the birds."

To Anyone Who Might Walk on the Sticky Floor . . .

2010-08-07T18:25:00.005-04:00

Over the years, I have learned to find the humor in every single one of these notes. "Wet floor" might have said it all here, but instead she felt the need to address "anyone" who might happen to walk into the computer room and deliver an explanation as to why the floor is sticky. The best part of the note was the strategic placement of it:

Seagulls Destroyed Our Boat

2010-07-25T18:11:00.005-04:00

Hi John -

Take a ride down to the boat in Buick (East Blvd all way down)- I changed and left at 5:40. Dad said the seagulls destroyed our boat. I expect a real mess - come see us there.

<3
Mom

I showed up to where the boat is docked, to find my mother on her hands and knees scrubbing fish guts off the boat and my father blasting the sides of it with a hose. Turns out some seagulls sat on the front of the boat and feasted on a huge fish. My Mom was FURIOUS! I was expecting to show up to a sunken ship - "destroyed" might have been the wrong word choice here . . . but that's my Mom: chock full of dramatic exaggerations! And was it really necessary to state the exact time she changed and left? I'm glad she let me know she changed, I was really nervous that she might be cleaning guts in her nice work clothes!

Crazy Baster

2010-07-11T20:10:00.006-04:00

Hi Melissa,

I'm not crazy - I know you wanted a basting fork/brush & the squeeze thing is to pick up gravy from a roasting pan and squeeze onto a turkey or food.

Keep moist - add to your kitchen collection.

Love,
Mom

Even a turkey baster needs an instruction manual in my Mom's house!

This was sent to my sister in California.

Where is my brush?

2010-07-11T19:52:00.006-04:00

John,

Where is my brush?! I was in a rush to get out of the house today and had no time to look for it. You know I can't use any other brush! I hope you're not playing a joke on me, because if you are I am NOT laughing!

Please return it to the bin on top of the toilet immediately.

Love, Mom

This is a picture of the brush. Enough said.

Needless to say, my Mom is very attached to her belongings
and rarely embraces change.

Gravity Bong

2010-04-15T01:16:00.006-04:00

Hey, I was just watching Bill Mahr and the lead singer from Green Day Billy Joe Armstrong was on as a guest. They spoke of how he got the name of the group and it is based on pot.

He spoke of smoking from a gravity bong that Bill Mahr did not know about and he explained it to him.

Just curious did you ever hear about it?

Something about a bowl filled with was and a large plastic soda bottle sitting in it . . .

Anyway

Love,
Mom

Deadbolted

2010-01-09T17:58:00.001-05:00

John -

There have been recent robberies on LI where men are breaking into homes with people in them. All doors deadbolted and be careful coming in & out.

Mom -

If You're A Good Boy . . .

2010-01-09T17:51:00.006-05:00

I guess sometimes my Mom would get tired of writing notes and resort to the old "Print Shop" program on the home computer, which is comical in itself because she has no idea how to use it. She still uses AOL to surf and saves EVERYTHING in "My Documents." Over the years, I've tried to show her a thing or two on the computer but to no avail. The one she has now has less hard drive space than my iPod. So you could understand my surprise when I found this note on the kitchen table around the holidays, wishing me luck on a job interview I was going on!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2009-12-28T13:45:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays from The Cat is Dead

Here's a picture of my cat's stocking, which my Mom hung by the fireplace every year. Silky (RIP) would get all kinds of cat-nip toys and treats in it. Mom was unpacking boxes, decorating for the holidays this year, and sent me this picture via text - with a caption that just read "Awwww."

Belated Birthday

2009-12-03T02:41:00.006-05:00

(click image above to enlarge)

John:

I cannot believe you thought nothing of not seeing your own mother for her birthday or the day following. How disappointing for me!

Do you plan to be around tonite or are you going to have another excuse?

You had better be working on that Tuesday class paper because if work calls for you, you are going.

Get those t-shirts in the boxes your father brought home today!

Get the basement cleaned up!

This is one of my favorite notes -- you can feel the anger in her handwriting! I got this note when I was living at home while pursuing a Masters Degree. I had already graduated from college and was commuting back & forth to Fordham in the Bronx. I think I slept at a friends place and missed her birthday, but came home that weekend to see her. The emphasis shown in yellow highlighter is pure genius; the underlines and exclamation points are total overkill. Missing a birthday or holiday in my family was grounds for exile . . . we had to at least get her a card if we couldn't afford a gift. She needed SOMETHING, every time!

This note reminds me of another example of my Mom's unique logic: I remember when I was very young and she used to take me to a friend's birthday party -- she would decide how much money to put in the envelope based on how long I would be at the party. For example, if I was going to be there all day: $20. If I was only going for a few hours: $10. ?! She used to say "I'm not giving him all that money, you're only going to be at the party for an hour!" I still don't understand it to this day . . .

My Hero

2009-12-03T02:06:00.005-05:00

(Click image above to enlarge)

My Mom was very fond of newspaper clippings, magazine ads, and blurbs from the local paper. Sometimes she would toss in a "bonus" alongside one of her notes . . . usually it was an inspirational quote or a story in the paper she thought I would be interested in. Some of my personal favorites were the police blotters where she would highlight crimes that happened nearby, and they were usually accompanied by a note that said to "be careful." She also had a knack for finding stories about one of my friends getting arrested, and she would use that clipping to tell me how she "always knew he was bad news" and how much she worried that I was hanging with the wrong crowd . . .

One morning I woke up and next to my bed (taped to my bedside lamp) was the above ad from the Marine Corps. At first I thought she was trying to tell me something -- perhaps she wanted me to enlist? But then I saw the tagline: "He's not just my son. He's my hero." I must have done something really good to make her happy that day, so much so that it required a military advertisement just to relay the message!

Anyway, my Mom is the busiest person I know. She makes you think she is the only mother of 2 who works and takes care of a house. She accumulates piles of old newspapers and circulars, and since she has "no time" to read them everyday, every few weeks she would sit down one night on the living room floor amongst the piles and . . . get ready . . . catch up on old news! She would say things to me like "did you hear about the house in Lynbrook that got robbed?" or "did you know so-and-so got married?" to which my response would be: "Yes, Mom that happened 2 months ago."

JOHN: Thurs PM 11:30pm

2009-12-03T01:53:00.006-05:00

(Click image above to enlarge)

JOHN: Thurs PM 11:30pm

I usually leave you a note in the morning. On the phone you act like you are overwhelmed and you shouldn't be -- you do not manage yourself well at all. I know what its like to do papers and have deadlines. But I also know how to give things up -- I don't like to give social things up but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to finish schoolwork. I don't know why you never learned that at Fordham. I understand now the type of college experience you had, living on the edge and doing everything at the last minute -- you put a lot of unnecessary stress on yourself that way.

Use your Friday wisely -- get that stuff for next week behind you -- and also get the shirts in some kind of order - telling me you have a lot going on better be the college work and not other outside interests right now -- for once, take one thing at a time.

We will be home to make chicken dinner Friday night and I have a paper to write.

MOM

This was a rare typed note that for once wasn't about her going on vacation - it was an important "life lesson" about how to manage time wisely and balance your lifestyle. According to her they are supposed to teach you these things in college, but I must have missed that class. I love that she dated and time-stamped the note . . . My favorite part is the first sentence . . . why I needed to know this is beyond me. She "usually leaves me a note in the morning," but that day she must have decided to live on the edge a little and stayed up until 11:30pm on a weeknight! And by the way Mom, you have NO IDEA what kind of college experience I had -- because if you did you would probably have a heart attack.

Forget About Christmas

2009-11-30T22:08:00.002-05:00

(Click image above to enlarge)

John -

If you're late again for this job on Wednesday you can forget about any kind of Christmas around here. This business of disappearing for 2 days with no money is inappropriate. You'll have to start doing the right thing, if you're not going to conserve & give up things until your bills are paid, we're not going to put up with this. It's not right.

Mom & Dad

Happy Anniversary (from me & my selfish sister)

2009-11-30T22:02:00.006-05:00

(Click image to enlarge)

John -

I suggest you be sure there is an anniversary gift & card for me & your father for this Thursday from you and your selfish sister. I will no longer be purchasing any birthday gifts or giving money to you, your sister or your father as of today.

Mom

Holiday Note: Too Hot To Trot

2009-11-27T03:36:00.004-05:00

Dear John,

Your grandmother just called me at the last minute and said she cannot make it over to the house for Thanksgiving today. Apparently she ate a bad burger from Meals on Wheels and has a terrible case of the trots. I don't know why she continues to do this to herself - every time I go over there she has diarrhea!

I went to the store to get milk for coffee after dinner and will be back shortly. Can you please set the table for 6 now since my parents won't be joining us? I'm really upset but this is how it goes . . . they are getting old.

I'm so glad you're home to spend this day with us.

Love,
Mom

Texts from Mom

2009-11-02T02:25:00.006-05:00

THE OLD FOLKS
I'm thinking about Thanksgiving. I don't want to be with just the old folks. Can u spend Thanksgiving with us? I will have to cook for all the old folks I may go to PA that Friday I know your moving but we really need u here.

TOO MANY VISITS . . .
Not a bad ride home from you new apartment at all! I'll be coming to visit twice a month.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION
I'll be over in 10 minutes, please wait for me - I have a really bad headache and a bathroom problem.

POWER WASH
If you try to call the house we have the power washer going and can't hear the phone. When are we going to Oktoberfest? I went last night and it was just a bunch of young kids being bad. Only rides, no food. I'm going to the bar meet us there.

SNIPPY
Just be sure u clearly label anything u put at Nanny's so Grandpa doesn't throw things out. Also ask to put stuff off the floor in case of dampness. Don't get snippy with me, just trying to help!

BBM From Mom

2009-10-22T15:35:00.004-04:00

Do you have milk in the house or should I pick some up on my way in?

Need anything else from grocery store?

Don't think I am weird, but do you have a toilet bowl brush?

Uh-oh! Mom has stepped it up and figured out how to use Blackberry Instant Messenger! Thanks for sending this in!

An Apple to the Nose!

2009-10-09T12:19:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

Just want to throw this out there, so you can think about it. We are thinking about going to Vermont on Dec 26th for a few days and would love for you and Adrienne to come and we would pay for the rooms. We would do the usual stuff, ski (if you like, I know we won't be doing that), tube, snowmobile, go to dinner. Sounds like a fun time, I've never been there, but would love to do something fun together.

See you Sunday. The last time we went apple picking your Dad lobbed an apple at me and hit me in the nose.

Love,
Mom

The SWAT Team Wouldn't Let Me Use the Bathroom

2009-09-19T02:36:00.010-04:00

My Mom, surveying the scene, with a full bladder . . .

Dear John,

Oh boy am I having a terrible week! The kids in my new classroom are all bouncing off the walls, and I have to hold this one kid's hand at all times because he wiggles like a snake and throws himself on the floor. I came home from work yesterday and the street was blocked off by the police. I worked all day and all I wanted to do was change my pants and use the bathroom, but the SWAT Team wouldn't let me into the house for over 2 hours. Apparently our lovely neighbor decided to hold his family hostage and there was a stand-off. I told you a long time ago that boy was trouble.

Please be careful son, there are a lot of crazy people out there and you know how I worry!

Love,

Mom

Salt & Pepper Recycling

2009-09-16T23:42:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

If you go out later, please return these empty salt & pepper shakers to Wendy's and take a new pair for your Grandmother. She is all out of condiments. Don't let them see you do it -- then you'll have to explain and I do not want you to be embarassed!

Love,
Mom

OK this note requires some explanation: my Grandmother (on my Mother's side of course) is known for taking salt, pepper, wet naps, napkins, ketchup, and anything else she can get her hands on for free, from restaurants and fast food chains. My Great-Grandmother was notorious for bringing her own tea bag to a restaurant or diner and just ordering a free mug of hot water. I learned at a very early age how to be thrifty, but that it was wrong to steal.

With that said, my Grandmother takes the plastic salt and pepper shakers off the table from the local Wendy's. She brings them home in her purse, and when they run out, she actually RETURNS them to Wendy's and takes a new full pair home! She calls it "borrowing," not stealing, and claims it is OK because she is returning them to their rightful owner. In this case she was sick and couldn't make it to Wendy's, so I had to go on a stealth mission and make the swap myself.

I love my family!

Lunch Bag Note

2009-09-15T23:10:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

If you are reading this, that means you got to school OK. I am so glad you're safe. Please don't throw away your lunch and remember to eat your fruit.

Enjoy your lunch!

Love,
Mom

Note from inside my lunch bag, sophomore year of high school . . .

Did You Take My Doll Head?

2009-09-13T18:34:00.006-04:00

Dear John,

Did you take my doll head? I had the body in my bedroom upstairs so I could sew her dress, and the head was in a box on the living room floor. Did you take it to be funny? I don't think it's very funny if you did, rather immature if you ask me. Melissa told me about how you used to take the heads off her Barbie dolls and that made her very upset. Please return the doll head to me please.

Thank you.

Love,
Mom

Does it Hurt When You're on the Toilet?

2009-09-11T22:14:00.005-04:00

Hi Matty,

How do you feel? Ribs can be tricky.
 
I strongly suggest you stay off them for a while. And go see Dr. S_____ . He loves you guys.
  
Does it hurt when you're on the toilet? I imagine that sneezing or twisting must be agonizing for you! Oh boy. Stay home for a while.

Are you and R_____ free on Wednesday? Dad and I want to go for duck. Yum yum!!!!
 
Love,
Mom

OK, I can honestly say that over the 15 years I've been collecting notes from my Mom, she has never asked me about my activity in the bathroom. This is one of the funniest emails I've ever read. This Mom and my Mom need to hang out . . . STAT! 

(names have been removed from this email to protect the innocent)

Rib X-Ray

2009-09-11T22:12:00.004-04:00

Hi Matty,

How did you make out today at the doctor?  Please let us know. Did he x-ray your ribs? Did he say you should lose weight again? I'm so glad you're not smoking any more. Are you free Sept. 19?

Love,
Mom

These days we're just saying anything that comes to mind . . . another amazing email submission - keep em comin! Seems like all Moms try to fit as much as they can into a note.

Sophie & The Skeleton

2009-09-11T22:10:00.003-04:00

Hi Matt,

Please call your sister. Apparently has 2 imaginary friends, one's a skeleton and one's named Sophie. She was playing in her room for hours with them this afternoon while I was over. It's very strange if you ask me.

Love,
Mom


Moms can't help but worry . . . in this case I'd be worried too.

Philly Pulled Pork

2009-09-11T22:08:00.002-04:00

Hi Matt,

Don't forget that we have tickets for Monday night. The Phillies come to town but dad and I can't go.  Perhaps the girls might be able to join you or ask friends if you would like. 

Matty if you bring a friend, please bring someone nice. The people in our section are so nice and I don't want any of your friends getting out of control or dropping their pulled pork on them. Please let me know because I have the tickets and parking pass with me.

Ok, I'll be in the car if you need me.

Love,
Mom


OK Matt's Mom might be funnier than my Mom . . .

Happy Belated Birthday, Pop!

2009-09-11T22:05:00.004-04:00

Hi Matt,

Just want to remind you that tomorrow is Pop's birthday. We celebrated over four months ago so it is easy to forget. He'll be home all morning.

Love,
Mom


Another classic email from Matt -- sorry Pop, I had a gift for you: I bought you some fresh Italian sausage, but its been 4 months since your birthday so it went bad.

No Movie For My Mom

2009-09-11T22:02:00.004-04:00

Hi Matt,  

We just watched No Country for Old Men. What a horrible movie. I can't tell you how upset I was. Something's wrong with you. Dad loved it.

We'll see you on Saturday? Hope so!

Love,
Mom

My buddy Matt from high school just sent me a bunch of emails from his Mom. They are great. Apparently there's something wrong with you if you like this movie.

Sweet Potato Text

2009-09-11T09:34:00.006-04:00

6:32am

Quick questions: did you ever try those sweet potato fries? If yes, what did you think? If no, why not?

My friend sent me this text from her Mom -- and I thought I was the only one who was contemplating sweet potato fries at 6:30 in the morning!

Pork in the House

2009-09-09T23:10:00.003-04:00

Dear John,

Pork and potatoes in the house. Take it.

Love,
Mom

This was hanging on the front door of the porch . . .

I took it.

Don't Be Late to the Funeral

2009-09-09T23:06:00.002-04:00

Dear John,

We will most likely need to be at funeral home by 9:00am prior to motorcading over to St. Raymond's Church.

YOU MUST BE ON TIME!!

Love,
Mom

This note was on the nightstand next to my bed on the morning of my Aunt's funeral, just in case I forgot that I needed to be on time for such an event. I might have missed the funeral if it wasn't for this note . . . Thanks Mom!

And who uses words like "motorcading" in a note? I don't think I've ever used that word in my life! Wait, is that even a word?

The Floppy Plate

2009-09-09T23:03:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

Be very careful when you take leftovers out of the fridge . . . Foil is cheap and plate is floppy!

Love,
Mom

Wow Mom, this was DEFINITELY necessary (found this one taped to the refrigerator).

Yummy!

2009-09-09T23:00:00.002-04:00

Dear John,

I bought Drumstick ice cream cones . . . Yummy!

Love,
Mom

Chances are these were on sale . . .

Where does the bathing suit go?

2009-09-04T10:49:00.006-04:00

Another great submission . . .

Where does the bathing suit go?!
I don't know what to do with it! It's clean!
Guess I better write a note . . .

No Sex or Drugs Down The Shore

2009-09-03T19:36:00.003-04:00

Dear Mike,

Have fun down the shore this Memorial Day Weekend! Remember, no drugs and no sex with girls (or guys).

Love,
Mom

Submission from a friend, a note that his Mom left for him junior year of high school before heading down to the Jersey Shore . . .

Don't Over-feed the Rabbit!

2009-09-02T23:54:00.005-04:00

Dear John,

Just some items:

We will be gone from Saturday to Sunday the 24th arriving back to JFK 7:35am from a night flight out of LAX at 11:30 the 23rd. We are working on getting my brother to pick us up since its so early in the morning.

I left the rabbit food at the entrance to the garage so its easy to feed him daily after you get home from work. Please don't forget about him! Don't overfeed, he wastes . . .

If it snows, you will need to take the Acura out of the garage to get the snowblower out safely. Dad has checked it out to be sure it runs - hopefully you won't need it. If it's light snow, please shovel the walk for us. Don't try to use the snowblower unless it's deep! Just be concerned with the outer walk and so people don't know we are away! Thanks.

We are at the Comfort Inn, 2815 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica CA phone #310-828-XXXX as of Sunday the 17th. And of course you have our cell phone numbers.

On Thursday or Friday we will be going to a place called Catalina Island which is an hour off the coast of CA. Just telling you in case our cell phones don't work - we will call you and check in during the week.

The mail and the newspapers have been stopped until Saturday the 23rd so if you see it around, bring it in - it's a mistake.

Have a nice week . . .

Love,
Mom

Another week away, newspapers and mail stopped as usual, more stuff to do while the cat's away. This time they went away for a whole week. I'm so glad she left me this note, otherwise I might have run the snowblower through the entire neighborhood and overfed the rabbit until he exploded. Aside from stopping the mail and papers, another thing she liked to do when they went on vacation in the winter time was demand that her walk be shoveled if it snowed. If the walk was not shoveled, people would know she was away and rob the joint. But that was my Mom - always thinking ahead about every possible awful thing that "could" happen . . .

The Convoluted Black Hose System

2009-09-02T23:40:00.005-04:00

Hello John & Adrienne,

Make sure you lock and dead bolt the front door - with the humidity, the door sticks and does not shut too good.

Please check the house Friday night, the 31st, to make sure no mail was delivered and no newspaper - I stopped both but you know how it is - sometimes they don't get it right!

The water system: sprinklers go on with the timer at 3am everyday (if the batteries are good). You know the deal with the black hose (only turn the plastic knob for the black hose to turn on the water into that hose). The timer is already set with the water to go on - into all the other hoses you should not have to use the main handle at all (it's a very convoluted system that your father has set up). Try not to fuss with it. Worse case scenario, you would have to manually water everything with the black hose and nozzle, if the system is not working or if you disturb it.

If no rain between now and Sunday please fill water can several times (can will be with the black hose) and water all the potted plants. I did not get to do this before I left. If no rain Mon, Tues, Wed then you need to come back like Friday night and water the plants again especially if its like 85 degrees each day.

* Always check to make sure no mail is being delivered nor is papers being delivered.

*** Come in and check the house after about a week to make sure nothing is leaking in basement, and everything is OK.

Dart Street: Don't worry about windows until about 8/6. They are open a little right now. If no rain all weekend, then by Sunday or Monday run the sprinkler in front for about a half hour - put in middle of sidewalk and let it run side to side. By Friday the 6th you should get to Dart Street, get the key from under the green rug in front foyer (corner where rug does not meet the wall) and open window in living room (side of yellow house) and kitchen window to circulate air. If you watered Sunday and Aunt Susie watered Wed or Thurs, then no need to water again.

But don't forget to close the windows before you leave - they should only remain open a crack - and lock both the knob and the dead bolt and put the key back in the spot.

Thanks John and if you have trouble with any of this, please do not hesitate to call.

Thanks alot!

Love,
Mom

Here's another one of my Mom's "going away on vacation" notes. This was a long one, typed and stapled, 2 pages. Once again, the mail and newspapers were stopped, and the instructions to water the plants and visit our second home on Dart Street are so specific its fucking terrifying. The best part of the note is at the end when she says "if you have any problems with this please don't hesitate to call." If after reading this instruction manual of a note I couldn't figure out what needed to be done, then I should be up in front of a firing squad. Keep in mind - she was only going away for a week and a half this time . . .

Don't throw away the Angel.

2009-08-23T23:55:00.003-04:00

Dear John,

If you decide you don't want this angel, please return it to me. I want you to have it, it was our very first Angel since 1976 and I don't want it thrown away.

Love,
Mom

Note that accompanied a plastic angel she left for me, to put atop my Christmas tree in my first apartment. There was also a post-it note stuck to the Angel's chest that said "Return to Mom," just in case I missed the first note.

I won't make this long winded . . .

2009-08-23T23:32:00.005-04:00

Dear John,

Hi! I won't make this long winded . . . I worked on the insurance today and it took quite some time but it is done. You can go to DMV right away if you want - I think the paperwork is in order - I had Dad make copies of the DMV stuff - whatever you need is in folder, extra stuff in manila envelope. Reason why I did this now: I DON'T want to be concerned with this after Aug 21st -- going back to work very soon after that. We'll be home Tuesday the 21st.

Don't touch the water spicket outside, it's on a timer. Can only use black hose. Suzanne's cell is XXX-7337, and you are to call her if you can't make it over here Wed or Thurs. She will come Friday, Sat, and Sun to feed the rabbit (I asked her before I learned you would be around the weekend).

The mail has been stopped and the newspapers supposed to be as well. If you need anything from the garage, I would appreciate if you carefully pull the car out, don't try to get at beach chairs etc. with the car there. The car is very tight in the garage -- I already did some damage to it this week.

There is no phone at the apartment in Palm Beach -- call my cell phone to talk to me. Please take these cause its still good either tonight or tomorrow when you stop by:

Quart of Milk
Cake
The green tea I bought for you

Dad used the Buick tonight to make copies -- he said it sounds terrible -- don't push it! Can't go to Brooklyn with it; it needs too much work and Dad refuses to fix it. I can't have you break down while we're in Florida -- you'd have to pay for the tow and I would worry too much.

Before you spend it, please leave the $40 for the parking ticket here and the $100 you borrowed. Have a good week, I miss you. Sorry our dates overlapped - I would have liked to be home when you got here.

Love,
Mom

PS. Aunt Susie will water lawn end of week - she knows what to touch.

Well, Mom - so much for not making this long winded. This is one of my favorites because it is one of her "vacation" notes that I referred to in a previous post: the ones that are typed up and usually go more than one page. I came home from tour one summer to this; the note is great because she starts off by saying she won't be long-winded but then just can't help herself and goes off on tangents, from the DMV to insurance to feeding the rabbit to groceries to driving to Brooklyn and of course: the need to always be careful because she worries. The most important thing to note here is that she was only going away for a week. She stops the mail and newspapers every single time she goes away so people dont see mail accumulate, know she isn't home, and then rob the joint. She told me one time that if the mailman sees the mail pile up he might tell someone and they might rob the house. As if the mailman wouldn't notice the mail was suddenly stopped for a week and think THAT was suspiscious! AMAZING.

The woman is truly one of a kind . . .

Two Necessary Items

2009-08-22T01:33:00.007-04:00

Dear John,

Stop by and pick up 2 items: cheesy bathroom stuff i knew you'd like (fragile!) and candy Butterfingers on porch.

Love,
Mom

This note made me wonder what was going through her head when she went shopping that day . . . "I'll bet my son could really use a new toilet brush and some Butterfingers . . . I hope I remembered my coupons!"

Computer Glitch

2009-08-22T01:29:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

I don't know what you were doing on the computer but the screen was NOT like this before yesterday! What the hell is wrong with you? I hope you did not break the machine because it is all I have.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,

I changed your desktop and screensaver - I hope you like it.

Love,
John

Jesus in my Suitcase

2009-08-22T01:21:00.009-04:00

Dear John,

Thanks for the info. I am really very happy for you but you know as your Mom I will always worry for your safety. So please watch your back and stay safe. BEHAVE!!

Please take this prayer card with you to protect you and you need to call me at least 1 day a week so I can know you're OK. Put the card in your suitcase.

Will call you today before 3:30pm. I love you very much, have a safe trip!

Love,
Mom

It must have been hard for my Mom every time I left to go on tour. Without her there to protect me, she put me in the hands of the Lord. I hope Jesus wasn't following me around on tour because if He was then I wrote my own ticket to Hell. I put that card in my suitcase and I tried to call once a week, but sometimes I didn't even know what day it was. I look back on it now and feel bad that I didn't do a better job of keeping in touch with her when I was on the road, but I'm quite sure Jesus spoke to her and told her I was OK.

Need Tape . . .

2009-08-22T01:19:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

Need 2 inch tape to close boxes at apartment in Brooklyn.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,

Shit, I bought the 4 inch tape. Hopefully we can still use it . . .

Love,
John

Put Up Some Meat

2009-08-22T01:17:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

Not much to eat in house. You may want to get cold cuts for you and Adrienne. I have bread. I'll put up some meat for dinner.

Love,
Mom

Mom,

Usually I like to cook my meat. I don't usually put it up, unless it really needs a place to stay.

Love,
John

I had a bad nights sleep so I couldn't eat

2009-08-22T01:12:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

I had a bad night's sleep so I couldn't eat today. I'll have to wake you up in the morning to say goodbye. Also, I will call you on my lunch break tomorrow.

Dad says if you have a problem with the airport at 5pm, he will take you but you need to let us know. Did you get my message? I need your itinerary. And put the cars away.

Love,
Mom

Whenever I have a bad night's sleep, a little food always does the trick. She did call me on her lunch break that day, and told me everything she had already told me in the note. I left for tour that day without giving her my itinerary and trust me, I never made that mistake again. She had a bad night sleep again that night because she didn't know where I was. I guess when you have children you never know what a good night's sleep feels like ever again . . .

Fresh Turkey, One Roll

2009-08-22T01:09:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

There's fresh turkey, but one roll for lunch today. Just buy bread. Be careful going back to Brooklyn and I'll see you tomorrow if not today at 4pm.

Love,
Mom

And today's special . . . fresh turkey!! My favorite! Great, I was hoping it wasn't stale turkey. Too bad there was only one roll though - I was going to make lunch for everyone in the neighborhood. I went back to Brooklyn at 4:01pm and just missed her that day.

Spoke very fast

2009-08-22T01:05:00.004-04:00

Dear John,

Your credit card company called again, left phone number. Dad could not get the number - they said to call them. They did not leave a message, just spoke voice recording very fast. I hope you are paying your bills, John.

Love,
Mom

Hmmm . . . if they didn't leave a message, how did they speak really fast? I always forget to pay my bills every month. Thank God for my Mom's notes - otherwise I'd probably forget to brush my teeth too!

BRRRRRR!!

2009-08-22T01:03:00.003-04:00

Dear John,

Welcome home! BRRRRRRR!! Allow car to warm a minute before you try to go!

Love,
Mom

Thanks, Mom, what would I do without you? Start the car in the dead of winter and attempt to speed away without giving it time to warm up or defrost the windows? She covered all the bases, that she did . . .

Hey, you two . . .

2009-08-22T00:56:00.007-04:00

Hey, you two . . .

Consider using our house to cook a dinner, etc. while you check on the house, air it out, and water it while we're gone. Please don't look at the dust - haven't had time to clean. Use the big TV, watch a movie.

Have a safe trip today & the weekend!

Love,
Mom

My girlfriend and I "considered" using the house to cook a dinner, because apparently we couldn't do that at our own house. Every time my parents left for a vacation and asked me to look after the house, I would find a 3 page novel on the kitchen table, stapled in the top left corner with more info than I could ever possibly need to know. For this vacation I was given permission to use the house - why I would want to "water" it I have no idea. Do houses need water like plants do? And by "air it out" she meant open the windows and let the house breathe. Who knew watching a house could be so complicated . . .

My Mother was also a total neat freak. Borderline OCD. OK, she was OCD. She had the cleanest house on the block but for some reason she always found dust somewhere. When they left for vacation and didn't have time to clean, I was instructed not to look at the dust. And if we wanted to watch a movie, we should do so on the "big" TV - because we all know that's so much better than watching it on the small TV!

Rice & Chicken

2009-08-22T00:50:00.007-04:00

Dear John,

Sprinkle a little water over rice and chicken before you heat in case it's dry. Please wash a few white dishes with lids and bring to me.

Love,
Mom

My Mom could fix anything with a little water - when the ketchup ran low, we didn't buy a new bottle - we filled that sucker up with water, gave it a good shake, and ketchup magically appeared. Same thing went for soap and shampoo - that bottle wasn't empty until you filled it with water and squeezed out every last bubble. Dry food could become fresh again, with a little water from the tap. I learned so much about conservation and preservation from my Mother, and the value of good old H20. My Mom was so specific in her notes - on this one it was very important to her that I know to wash the "white" dishes, as opposed to the colored dishes.

Food is in refridgerator

2009-08-22T00:46:00.007-04:00

Dear John,

Food is in refridgerator marked 3 meatballs + 1 sausage with sauce. Call me before you leave for Seattle!

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,

Isn't food usually in the refrigerator?

Love,
John