Monday, December 31, 2012

Inspiration from ZITS

by Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman
ArcaMax Publishing

HEAVY Drinking

I had my 2 best friends over at my parents house one night for a few beers (the top note was left on the kitchen table the next morning). 

PS. this was written last week during Christmas break. 
I am 33 years old.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays 
from The Cat is Dead

The SWAT Team Wouldn't Let Me Use the Bathroom

(click image to enlarge)

Dear John,

Oh boy am I having a terrible week! The kids in my new classroom are all bouncing off the walls, and I have to hold this one kid's hand at all times because he wiggles like a snake and throws himself on the floor. 

I came home from work yesterday and the street was blocked off by the police. I worked all day and all I wanted to do was change my pants and use the bathroom, but the SWAT Team wouldn't let me into the house for over 2 hours. Apparently someone in the neighborhood was holding his family hostage and there was a stand-off.

Please be careful son, there are a lot of crazy people out there and you know how I worry!


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Forget About Christmas

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Happy Anniversary (from me & my selfish sister)

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Where is my brush?


Where is my brush?! I was in a rush to get out of the house today and had no time to look for it. You know I can't use any other brush! I hope you're not playing a joke on me, because if you are I am NOT laughing!

Please return it to the bin on top of the toilet immediately.

Love, Mom

(click image to enlarge and see the actual brush in all of its glory!)

Did You Take My Doll Head?

Dear John,

Did you take my doll head? I had the body in my bedroom upstairs so I could sew her dress, and the head was in a box on the living room floor. Did you take it to be funny? I don't think it's very funny if you did, rather immature if you ask me. Melissa told me about how you used to take the heads off her Barbie dolls and that made her very upset. Please return the doll head to me please.

Thank you.



Friday, December 14, 2012

Belated Birthday

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I cannot believe you thought nothing of not seeing your own mother for her birthday or the day following. How disappointing for me!

Do you plan to be around tonite or are you going to have another excuse?

You had better be working on that Tuesday class paper because if work calls for you, you are going.

Get those t-shirts in the boxes your father brought home today!

Get the basement cleaned up!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Convoluted Black Hose System

Hello John and Adrienne,

Make sure you lock and dead bolt the front door - with the humidity, the door sticks and does not shut too good.

Please check the house Friday night, the 31st, to make sure no mail was delivered and no newspaper - I stopped both but you know how it is - sometimes they don't get it right!

The water system: sprinklers go on with the timer at 3am everyday (if the batteries are good). You know the deal with the black hose (only turn the plastic knob for the black hose to turn on the water into that hose). The timer is already set with the water to go on - into all the other hoses you should not have to use the main handle at all (it's a very convoluted system that your father has set up). Try not to fuss with it. Worse case scenario, you would have to manually water everything with the black hose and nozzle, if the system is not working or if you disturb it.

If no rain between now and Sunday please fill water can several times (can will be with the black hose) and water all the potted plants. I did not get to do this before I left. If no rain Mon, Tues, Wed then you need to come back like Friday night and water the plants again especially if its like 85 degrees each day.

* Always check to make sure no mail is being delivered nor is papers being delivered.

*** Come in and check the house after about a week to make sure nothing is leaking in basement, and everything is OK.

Don't worry about windows at the other house until about 8/6. They are open a little right now. If no rain all weekend, then by Sunday or Monday run the sprinkler in front for about a half hour - put in middle of sidewalk and let it run side to side. By Friday the 6th you should get to Dart Street, get the key from under the green rug in front foyer (corner where rug does not meet the wall) and open window in living room (side of yellow house) and kitchen window to circulate air. If you watered Sunday and Aunt Susie watered Wed or Thurs, then no need to water again.

But don't forget to close the windows before you leave - they should only remain open a crack - and lock both the knob and the dead bolt and put the key back in the spot.

Thanks John and if you have trouble with any of this, please do not hesitate to call.

Thanks alot!


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Salt & Pepper Recycling

Dear John,

If you go out later, please return these empty salt & pepper shakers to Wendy's and take a new pair for your Grandmother. She is all out of condiments. Don't let them see you do it -- then you'll have to explain and I do not want you to be embarassed!



About The Author

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Long Island, NY, United States
I am 33 years old and grew up in a very small town on the South Shore of Long Island, NY. I am a writer, collector, and artist working in online advertising. This collection of notes is respectfully dedicated to one of the most unique, eccentric women I have ever known -- my mother. Thanks for reading!